Monday, February 9, 2009

Was It Abuse?

After reading Miss Brit blog and her post about Spanking it got me thinking.

I was abused.

I really was. Not just "spanked" but A.B.U.S.E.D.

Sometimes in life we experience things and wonder if we can/will/should talk/blog about them. I never really wanted to talk/blog about my ABUSE as a child because I just brushed it off so to speak. But in reality, I never "brushed it off", I never "overcome" it, I just pushed it to the back of my brain and tried to pretend it was alright.

It's not alright and for me to put it in writing says ALOT right now.

Most of you know I no longer associate with my parents and siblings. Most of you know why. Although, most of you do not agree with me, nor understand my position and therefore judge me as "weird" or an "abandon er".

Let me fill you in on some things.

My parents had a belt they named "The Garrison". It was a black, old leather belt with a silver buckle on it. It had been creased in half for so long, the crease was cracked and in terrible shape. This was my parents form of discipline. The arrangement my parents had when it come to us kids was my father would "take care" of the boys and my mom would "take care" of me. My Dad would either use "The Garrison" or straight up have an all out fist fight with my brothers and my mom... well she just bitch slapped the fuck out of me or used "The Garrison". Even at 7,8 years old, I got "The Garrison".

One of the worst memories I have from "The Garrison" was one day I got my ass beat for something with "The Garrison" and as I am laying in my room, on my bed with whelps all over my hands, ass, back where-ever she could hit me in the fit of rage, I was hyperventilating and trying to compose myself when 10- 15 minutes later the door slams open and there is my mother with "The Garrison" in her hand screaming about something I apparently did - my brothers lied and said I did something that I did not do. She beat the fuck out of me AGAIN, over the whelps I already had and was currently trying to recover from. Lets just say it was around mid-afternoon and I never come out of my room the rest of the day. Honestly as I type this post, I REALLY think I just passed out from the pain and lack of breathing associated with the beat down I had just received.

My hands are shaking right now and I keep having to hit "backspace" because my fingers are jumping ahead of me.

We eventually took "The Garrison" and hid it. My parents threatened us if we didn't return it. So we did.

What stopped the beatings? One summer when I was about 14 or so, my parents made me go stay with my cousin (the one who I just found out is more than likely my half sister) the whole summer. Well, while I was gone, my Mom did a thorough room cleaning and under my mattress she found my previous school year picture and on the back I wrote a message for my all time favorite teacher it said
"please help me, I am being abused"

I remember writing that. I also remember the look on my mothers face when she told me she found it. I never got hit again. Not by her anyways.

A year later my mom left my dad and left us kids with her. In my teenage rebellus ways, I started hanging with the wrong people, guys that were using me and I ended up getting pregnant at 15.


My father got a call from a teacher at the school and she told him what she heard - that HIS 15 year old daughter was pregnant. You know what he told me?

Him: "You are only 8 weeks right"?
Me: "About that, I guess"
Him: "Well 8 weeks is good - when I get home I am whooping your ass real good, you aren't that far along and you WILL have an abortion, so it really doesn't matter if I hurt the baby"
Him: "Well we will see about that"

When we got home I started to walk down the hallway to my bedroom and he comes up from behind me and grabs me by the fucking PONYTAIL. My immediate reaction? I reach behind me and start to scratch the hell out of his hands and kicking dents in his shin bones until he releases me.

For all of you wondering right now, YES, they forced the abortion, NO, I did not want to, YES, I am thankful today that I went through with it.

So, was it abuse? Was I wrong for fighting back? Am I wrong for disowning my family?

Thoughts? Tell me, I want to hear them.


Sass said...

I want to start by saying, I think you are so so so very brave for posting this.

Was it abuse? Judging by your story, I'd say so.

Were you wrong for fighting back? I wholeheartedly believe you were NOT wrong.

Are you wrong for disowning your family? I'm not familiar enough with the backstory to say...but just by reading this small part of it, my gut tells me you are brave...

Thank you for sharing this...I'm sure it was difficult.

Her Royal Highness said...

Hey, AG,

I'd share a personal story here, but might be too personal for public eyes. So!

Yes, it was abuse. Yes, you were right to fight. No, you didn't deserve it. No, you're not wrong for pushing your family away, if by family, you mean your parents. They should have known better.

I honestly do believe there's a difference between spanking and beating. So many parents these days can't make that distinction because they're afraid of CPS stepping in, but when it comes down to you having to beg a teacher to help you...obviously, CPS should be looking at parents more like yours than the first set.

I'm so sorry you had to endure it, but because I'm like you, I know that you're not looking for sympathy, but for answers. I'm afraid the only answer I can give you is to lift your chin and stop the cycle.

When/if you have children of your own, remember how you felt, even when your temper is close to shorting out and you're frustrated with parenting. It may help you now to speak with a shrink (I, myself, hate them, but they're experienced in ways to cope with some of the post-traumatic that you're undoubtedly experiencing).

Most of all, don't be embarrassed. It wasn't your fault. Don't feel like you're an awful child for setting a boundary between you and your parents. Don't ever feel like you owe them anything just because of your blood bond?

Stacie said...

I think that if you even have to question whether it was abuse or not, then it probably was.

It is very sad and I am sorry you had to go through that growing up.

Average Girl In Average World said...

@sass - thank you for your kind words.

@HerRoyalHighness - I thought you forgot all about me! Nice to see you on here! The cycle has stopped. I made sure of that. Thanks again for stopping by!

@Stacie - I consider what happened to me to be abuse, I was just asking the question at the end because.... well I guess I need validation that it was abuse. Hopefully that makes sense. No longer do I have to deal with this or my children. Thanks for showing me some luv! LOL.

Fiesty Charlie said...

Sitting here sighing heavily.

Damn, I hate hearing this even years later.

Let me say that I have a no contact rule with my entire family as well.... same damn reasons. I have not seen or heard from any of them going on 6 years now, and my life is peaceful.

What happened to you was abuse on so many levels. It is unreal to me that an adult needs to hurt a child in a rage to release anger or frustration.

On more than one occasion I was left in a heap to die. I survived to spite them I think. I don't talk much about the things that happened to me as a kid either, lots of therapy got it out of my head the first time.

However, as you probably know, when I read a story about any child being hurt, it floods back and lingers for a day or two.

Don't let anyone try to rewrite your history... If you ever need to talk, email me and I will send you my number.

Peace and hugs for the little girl still inside your heart!


theneatos said...

Holy Schnikes AG.
I too agree that any life like the one described would be a life of abuse. So sorry to hear that you experienced such rough times.
It is refreshing to see that you learned from the experience to be a better parent. So many people would have passed along the same misguided parenting, because, they were too afraid to stand up to their family.

Nej said...

Abuse? Yes. Wrong for fighting? No. Wrong for disowning the family? No.

It takes a lot of guts to put things like this out there for people like us to see.

You're a strong person for standing up to them.

Candice said...

My heart aches for you and what you went through so long ago. Even though you must carry those scars around even still today.

I can certainly see why you would choose not to have contact with your family. It's a choice you had to make, and if that helps you heal and makes you a better person for it today, then I think it's the perfect decision for you.

I'm sorry that your childhood was so rough for you. :(

Rhodna said...

That you are even alive today is a testament to your courage at having to endure the things you did. I thought I had it rough-but now I know that somewhere, there was a young girl literally fighting for her life. I'm glad you won! And by the way-what family?? As far as I'm concerned, people who've treated any creature the way you were treated don't deserve a breath of a thought from you now.

M said...

My heart hurts after reading this post.

I think you have made the best decision for YOU.

YOU do what is right and don't worry about anyone else.

It takes a brave person to talk about their past abuse and I am glad that you feel a small measure of relief.