Friday, April 24, 2009

Reflections..... And My Longest Post to Date.

These pics were taken today, 5 days after the incident.

Now that I have time to sit and put my thoughts down on paper (so to speak) I want to take this time and explain the situation and the events that have since followed after the initial incident....


Right around April 1st. I pretty much had all I could stand. I felt like I was suffocating and trapped and being held under one's thumb. That thumb belongs to my Hubby. This is something I have been struggling with for a couple months. We had talked and I told him what I was needing from him, and I know I am not perfect and there were some things he said he needed from me. I tried to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt. Hoped he would change. Prayed he would change.

Those things I needed were simple in my mind. Be supportive of my goals. For him to actually develop some of his own goals. Both professionally and personally. Give me some fucking breathing room. Seriously. All these years I have done 99% of weekends by myself. If I even want to go to the grocery store I have to take at least one kids with me. He gets a break from the kids, why can't I? Why can't I go to the nail shop and get a manicure without having to pull my son off the freaking walls? You can't relax that way. You can't. I tried explaining to him that if I am not at 100%, how can I give 100% to my kids? And I don't want this to sound wrong, but I don't want to lose myself in my kids, I am more than a Mom. More than a wife. The last thing I want to happen is when they decide to go on their own, that I will have no freaking idea who I married, what my interests are or what even makes me happy.

Yes, there are other issues. Like saving money, helping around the house, to treat me like his wife instead of his friend. Don't get me wrong, he was my BEST friend, but he never treated me like a WOMAN. I am not 17 anymore, I am a grown woman who's needs and desires and wants have changed. I felt like we were growing apart and in a sense we were. I wanted to excel and move forward in my career WITH HIM by my side. I wanted him to go on that journey with me. He wasn't interested.

So back to the beginning of April...... I decided I was gonna move out. Started looking for rentals. Made him sleep with the kids. We had conversations on furniture division, visitation with the kids, child support, property division, everything.

In an attempt to get him to adjust, I stayed away one weekend with a girlfriend and let him have the kids. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

Once I got back, he decided to start going to the bar. Staying out til 2-3 in the morning. Claims the only way he could sleep was to be intoxicated. WHATEVER.

In the meantime, I found a rental. Starting making arrangement to make that transition. He heard the words coming out of my mouth, but he wasn't COMPREHENDING them. There were a couple times I thought about just staying and trying ONE MORE TIME. But I figured what the hell.... I had already given 11 years.

Now to the night of the incident......

It was Sunday and we had talked about things and I told him my position was still the same - that I was moving and in fact, I was going to start packing that night. He decided he was going to the bar....WHATEVER DUDE.

I started cleaning and packing. Put the kids to bed at 8:00 as usual. Decided to get all the laundry done and make sure all my Summer/Spring clothes were out and washed also. He started texting me around 10 pm saying he knew that I was fucking somebody. Then another one saying I was a coward because I couldn't tell him the truth as to why I was leaving. Since you know, a woman can never leave a man without having another one.... Anywho.... the last text I got from him was about 1:15 am saying he was on his way home and was I ready for him? I should have left then, I knew deep down in my heart what was getting ready to happen.

Now mind you, I was still up doing laundry when he walked in the door. He was fucking hammered. Liquor, not beer. I was standing by the dryer, folding clothes and he walked over to me, leaned against the washer and asked if we could talk. I said no, your drunk and I have nothing more to say, it's not my fault you haven't been listening for the last month. Then, he grabbed me. Started screaming in my face about how I could just give up and don't give a fuck about him or anything else. I tried to pull away from him but he works with his hands and they are EXTREMELY strong, so there was no way I could pull away from him. Then it's a full on struggle and he pushed me into the 1/2 bath that is connected onto the laundry room. He reaches both hands under my ears and up around the back of my scalp and gets ahold of my hair. Then proceeds to scream in my face then SLAM my head into the wall about 6-8 times. I scream even more. He throws me down to the ground, I scramble to my feet and try to run to the other end of the house. He grabs the back of my shirt and throws me on the couch. Now at this point he has me in the corner of the couch - basically straddling my body with his hands on my arms, then he puts my arms under his legs and puts his hands over my mouth to shut me up. I manage to get my right foot up and planted in his chest to push him off of me. But he come right back before I could go anywhere. In a last ditch effort to get him off of me, I drew back and punched that mofo in the mouth as hard as possible. It was enough to stun the shit out of him so I could get up, then he dragged me into the bedroom. Put me up against the wall, grabbed my hair again and started slamming my head into the wall next to our window. Then he threw me on the floor started ripping my Pjam pants off saying that if I was going to leave, then he was gonna fuck me one last time. About the time he ripped them off.... I pissed all over myself. Fear does funny things to you. The piss must have scared him because he jumped off me. I run into our master bathroom and he come right behind me and locked the door. I flipped out.... I grabbed out towel bar and ripped it off the wall and tried to beat him with it, but he just took it away from me.

Finally..... I just melted. In the floor. I sat crying my eyes out with no pants on smelling like piss. Not sure what made him decide to stop, but at that point, the beating was over. He opened the door and walked out. I saw some pants on the bathroom floor so I promptly put them on. Then run to my kids, who were up in their beds crying their eyes out. I wrapped blankets around them and carried them to my vehicle. As I was walking out the door, I could hear HIM on the phone with the police. Saying I beat him up and I was stealing the kids..... I walked out the door, drove down the road and called the police myself to report the incident. They advised me to go back to the house and wait in my vehicle for them to arrive. I obeyed, they pulled up around the same time as I did. They asked me to sit in my vehicle while they went inside and talked to the him. Now mind you all male cops. They finally come out and ask me to come in - it was pouring outside. So I brought the kids in and put them in the bed.

The cops had me in the dining room and had him in the Master Bedroom. I showed them the text messages leading up to him coming home, told them exactly what happened. I guess since they came as soon as everything was over, I wasn't bruised yet. You know those assholes were more concerned about why I have my outgoing messages set up to automatically delete then they were about the actual messages.? They said they didn't believe what I had told them, that our stories were conflicting. Ya think! Why in the hell would he ever admit to what he just did to me? I stood up and looked that one cop square in the face and said "What if this was your Daughter, or Mother or Sister? Cause you know what? I am someones Mother, and someones Daughter and someones Sister" he never even blinked. Then his mother shows up. That bitch there has her day coming....... She looked at those fucking cops and told them I said a couple weeks ago that I would beat myself up to get him in trouble. I looked her square in the eye and told her TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. Then those fucking cops, escorted me out of my own home. I ask for medical treatment because of where he had slammed my head soo many times, you know what they said? Why didn't you ask for that earlier? Sorry about your luck. WHAT?????? Gee let me think why I didn't ask earlier? Umm... maybe because I was in the middle of the biggest adrenaline rush I have ever had, my main concern was getting my children out of the home and getting to safety.

It gets better....

They place me in the back of the cop car and go inside. The next thing I know, they are escorting HIM out in handcuffs and an officer comes and gets in the car I am in, and starts to drive off. I ask him whats going on. He said we were going to police station. I asked if I was under arrest he said "Oh yeah your under arrest"/ So I replied with, when I was going to be told that? What am I even being charged with? Where are my kids? The only response he had was, I was being charged with assault and his mother was staying with the kids. So they take both of us in separate vehicles to the state police station. They put me in a holding cell. Then after 20 minutes or so, they call me out, mug shot me, fingerprint me, and put me on a bench. Then they take me to see the judge. I get $1,500. SECURED bond. So I can either pay that or go to jail. I didn't have that kind of money, so I called a friend. Luckily they come and bailed me out, but I had to wait for them to come over to the fucking JAIL HOUSE.

Oh yes..... Jail is no fun. I got strip searched and I have to say the lady officer doing so, was on my side 1000% percent. The bruises had started to appear and she was telling the officers to take notes and she took some pictures for me. I sat in a holding cell, in jail clothes, waiting for my people to finish the bail process.

I finally got released, the officers were kind enough to let me know he posted bail, but they were going to hold him another 1.5 hours so I could get some things from the house. Yeah, nows the time to be nice, where was that attitude 4 hours ago. FUCKERS......

I immediately went to the hospital upon being released. They sent in a Domestic Abuse nurse/advisor/awesome person. She come in and interviewed me. She was HIGHLY pissed at the cops for the treatment they give me. Said she was calling their superior and letting them know what happened and that my story was consistent with my injuries. She was awesome, I can't say enough good things about her. The hospital performed a CAT scan and my injuries were listed as, Scalp hematoma and contusions. So I got some meds, and they sent me on my way.

Since then, I have been to court and filed a PFA. Also started the process for custody. I have all the paperwork for filing for divorce, so I can get that ball rolling. I was lucky enough to have secured the rental and the landlord was nice enough to let me move in earlier. So I have been staying there. He has got the kids Tuesday and Thursday, picking them up from Daycare and bringing them back the next morning. Daycare mom has agreed to be our mediator for the time being. Oh yeah, the court issued a no contact order between us. That is difficult. We have kids.
Also, the day after I get a phone call from a female rep from the State Police, just checking in with me. No, those cops got a fucking ass reaming from that nurse and they are covering their asses. But I took the 456454121556 apologies from them and she asked me to fax my hospital report to her and send the pictures to her. I did all the above, and basically they said they would be dropping my charges. YEAH!!!!!! Vindication Bitches!

So Monday we go to court for our charges and to drop the no contact order. I will stay away from him, but we have to talk because of the kids. And I will NEVER be in a situation where he can hurt me again. EVER.

Thank you to all who had the courage to send me a message of hope or support. For those of you who wanted to but just couldn't.... I understand and thank you anyways.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Thousand Words Thursday

From this past weekend. I was soooo close to this baby deer I almost peed myself from excitement!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What leaving Your Husband Sometimes Costs You.....

Yeah... he did that to me..... After being out drinking til 1:30 in the morning and relaizing i was serious about moving out, oh yeah and the fact that he didn't get his way....

The messed up part is... the cops charged us both. I let him beat the hell out of me for... Oh I don't know..... 20 minutes or so until I decided enough was enough and I punched him in the mouth. So since he shed a little blood, I was just as guily. Even though I only hit him once.... Besides, Delaware has NO self defense law.

So ladies.... if you ever get attacked by your SO or husband, don't fight back, just let him kill you or your kids (who were present at the time) because... the last thing you need in a custody battle is to have charges on you, the Mother. Most male cops are women beaters themselves so how do you expect them to charge a man with a crime that they (the cops) commit on a regular basis???

I am really fucking disapointed in the law enforcement officials, my estranged husband and any other person in this world who thinks that it is even remotely OK to hit a woman.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Process Of Healing

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Still no regrets over my decision to break things off.

Now, I don't judge me for the jumbled, incoherent mess I am getting ready to type.. LOL.

The highs and lows associated with all this is driving me crazy. I feel like the Bi-Polar girl who has had her meds taken away by the school bully. One minute I am bawling my eyes out. The next... I'm cold as a frozen pack of steak.

Why the crying? I can try to explain. Knowing my marriage failed. FAILED. I give it 1000%. He probably feels the same way. I know he loves the shit out of me and I can't make myself feel what I need to feel to make it right. This is a do or die time for me. In fact this past year has felt like that.

There has been alot of decisions made and I have no regrets. NONE. I feel like if I don't get out now, it will never happen. I am not "staying for the kids". I don't want to get to the point where I resent and hate him. I want to get out now so we are both at a point where we can be amicable. We have to be amicable... for the kids. It makes me sad to know that he loves me the best he knows how and it's not good enough for me.

After 11 years, I am not the same person as I was at 17. She was a little girl in need of some direction. In need of affection. In need of anything other then what I was getting at the time. 11 years can make LOTS of people change. He has kept me down and prevented me from succeeding in all areas of life - not just career. He failed to realize that, My success, equals his success. All I have wanted was nothing but good for the both of us. He seen it as a way for me to move beyond him, to leave him behind. Soooo not the case.

He openly admitted he was not happy with himself. He has become a hermit. Working every weekend for 11 years and laving your wife at home with the kids all those weekends.... .takes a toll on a person. He has made me the independent person I am today. I think, who the fuck needs a man? I can cook, clean, raise my kids, work 40 hours week - I can pay my own rent. Pay my own bills... and yeah... sex is nice. But I can do that for myself too. LOL. He states he wants to change "For him". I hope he does. I want to see him happy. I want to see him succeed and i wish him all the luck in the world with whatever he does.

Now, his working every weekend HAS to change. I am currently searching for rentals and will be leaving somewhere around May 1st. The kids are coming with me and permanent placement will be with me but the visitation arrangement has been agreed to is as follows: He gets the kids every Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend. Why am I leaving you ask? Well, the issues with my parents is really fucking with my emotions... They live next door and they watch us and stalk me. Every Saturday morning when I get back from the grocery store, there is shit they have bought sitting on my deck. So when He comes home, he takes it back over there. Also, last Saturday... I got served with visitation papers. My mother thinks the courts will allow her to get visitation with my kids EVERY Saturday from 9-4. NOT FUCKING HAPPENING, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHEAT THE JUDGE SAYS. THEY ARE MY FUCKING KIDS. I DECIDE WHERE THEY GO. PERIOD. OK, that rant is over. Sorry.

But I can not stay at the house. I told Him that even if we were to work things out down the road, I will NEVER move back there. He agreed that after he gets his money right, we will rent the house out. I mean we can get double the mortgage in rent. EASILY. That will help us both out financially. Luckily we have enough furniture to divide so I don't have to get all new, good damn thing cause my ass is broke. B.R.O.K.E. That was another thing.... he had no concept of what saving for the future meant. We have NO savings. Living paycheck to paycheck because he has to buy something for himself, or whatthefuckever. No college saving is started for the kids, no IRA. No Nothing. But... about 3 years ago.. I found $10,000 stuffed in the bottom of his sock drawer... I was livid. Do I think he has a stash somewhere now? Absolutely! Am I ok with that? NOT. Have I searched the house upside down for it? Yuppers!.

We have talked to our daughter and she is ok with us (the kids and I) getting a new house. I also told her that one day mommy and daddy will both probably date other people. Well she started naming people she thought I would like.... LOLOLOL... That was a cute conversation. She made it plain and clear that she does not want me to date anyone with kids... I told her thats not fair, since I have kids. Have I thought about dating? Yes! Do I look forward to it? Yes! That's how over this marriage I am. Have I thought about him touching or being with another woman? Yup. and it eats my guts up. Only because I know what we had a great sexual relationship. I know what he is capable of doing for me in that department, but it's not enough to keep me. Those feelings will dissipate with time. It's inevitable.

Someone I know explained the emotional roller coaster like a rubber band.. You stretch it and stretch it then it feels like it's going to snap back. That would be you pulling away then feeling like coming back to what is familiar, what is easy. I'm not that rubber band. I know I need this change. I am compromising a part of me, losing some of my identity. I can't allow that to happen. I can't continue living this way. Even if in 5 years I end up in a 2 bedroom apartment with just my kids, poor as dirt........ as long as I am genuinely happy, that's all that matters.

Church has helped significantly. I went to the alter for the first time. Cried - more like bawled my eyes out in front of 250+ people. Hugged more people in 10 minutes then I have in 10 years. The amount of love and understanding that comes from there has been overwhelming.

I will blog more later.... Please stay with me peeps!

P.S. - A HUGE HUGE thank you to everyone who has emailed me or commented in previous posts, giving me encouragement and kind words :) THANK YOU

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Separation Anxiety

Splitting up, Taking some time, Getting a breather, Sorting your thoughts, Figuring out who you are, Whatever you call it. It's never good. After spending 10 years together including ALL of your adulthood (so far) and all the "Firsts" you share with someone.... this shit is difficult.

It was my decision.

My decision to "wreck havoc" as my MIL in called it.
My decision to "tear the family apart" as He called it.
My decision to "make myself happy" as I call it.

It has been a couple days and the emotions are still very raw. I cry ALOT. My daughter saw me crying so she started crying.

But the odd part is that, it doesn't feel like I'm grieving. Does that make sense. I think I am more scared of the unknown.

Scared to shut the lights off at the end of the day knowing I have no one there to protect the kids or myself, besides myself.

Scared that I may be happy with my decision.

Scared I may flourish as a person without him.

Scared Scared Scared.