Friday, April 17, 2009

The Process Of Healing

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Still no regrets over my decision to break things off.

Now, I don't judge me for the jumbled, incoherent mess I am getting ready to type.. LOL.

The highs and lows associated with all this is driving me crazy. I feel like the Bi-Polar girl who has had her meds taken away by the school bully. One minute I am bawling my eyes out. The next... I'm cold as a frozen pack of steak.

Why the crying? I can try to explain. Knowing my marriage failed. FAILED. I give it 1000%. He probably feels the same way. I know he loves the shit out of me and I can't make myself feel what I need to feel to make it right. This is a do or die time for me. In fact this past year has felt like that.

There has been alot of decisions made and I have no regrets. NONE. I feel like if I don't get out now, it will never happen. I am not "staying for the kids". I don't want to get to the point where I resent and hate him. I want to get out now so we are both at a point where we can be amicable. We have to be amicable... for the kids. It makes me sad to know that he loves me the best he knows how and it's not good enough for me.

After 11 years, I am not the same person as I was at 17. She was a little girl in need of some direction. In need of affection. In need of anything other then what I was getting at the time. 11 years can make LOTS of people change. He has kept me down and prevented me from succeeding in all areas of life - not just career. He failed to realize that, My success, equals his success. All I have wanted was nothing but good for the both of us. He seen it as a way for me to move beyond him, to leave him behind. Soooo not the case.

He openly admitted he was not happy with himself. He has become a hermit. Working every weekend for 11 years and laving your wife at home with the kids all those weekends.... .takes a toll on a person. He has made me the independent person I am today. I think, who the fuck needs a man? I can cook, clean, raise my kids, work 40 hours week - I can pay my own rent. Pay my own bills... and yeah... sex is nice. But I can do that for myself too. LOL. He states he wants to change "For him". I hope he does. I want to see him happy. I want to see him succeed and i wish him all the luck in the world with whatever he does.

Now, his working every weekend HAS to change. I am currently searching for rentals and will be leaving somewhere around May 1st. The kids are coming with me and permanent placement will be with me but the visitation arrangement has been agreed to is as follows: He gets the kids every Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend. Why am I leaving you ask? Well, the issues with my parents is really fucking with my emotions... They live next door and they watch us and stalk me. Every Saturday morning when I get back from the grocery store, there is shit they have bought sitting on my deck. So when He comes home, he takes it back over there. Also, last Saturday... I got served with visitation papers. My mother thinks the courts will allow her to get visitation with my kids EVERY Saturday from 9-4. NOT FUCKING HAPPENING, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHEAT THE JUDGE SAYS. THEY ARE MY FUCKING KIDS. I DECIDE WHERE THEY GO. PERIOD. OK, that rant is over. Sorry.

But I can not stay at the house. I told Him that even if we were to work things out down the road, I will NEVER move back there. He agreed that after he gets his money right, we will rent the house out. I mean we can get double the mortgage in rent. EASILY. That will help us both out financially. Luckily we have enough furniture to divide so I don't have to get all new, good damn thing cause my ass is broke. B.R.O.K.E. That was another thing.... he had no concept of what saving for the future meant. We have NO savings. Living paycheck to paycheck because he has to buy something for himself, or whatthefuckever. No college saving is started for the kids, no IRA. No Nothing. But... about 3 years ago.. I found $10,000 stuffed in the bottom of his sock drawer... I was livid. Do I think he has a stash somewhere now? Absolutely! Am I ok with that? NOT. Have I searched the house upside down for it? Yuppers!.

We have talked to our daughter and she is ok with us (the kids and I) getting a new house. I also told her that one day mommy and daddy will both probably date other people. Well she started naming people she thought I would like.... LOLOLOL... That was a cute conversation. She made it plain and clear that she does not want me to date anyone with kids... I told her thats not fair, since I have kids. Have I thought about dating? Yes! Do I look forward to it? Yes! That's how over this marriage I am. Have I thought about him touching or being with another woman? Yup. and it eats my guts up. Only because I know what we had a great sexual relationship. I know what he is capable of doing for me in that department, but it's not enough to keep me. Those feelings will dissipate with time. It's inevitable.

Someone I know explained the emotional roller coaster like a rubber band.. You stretch it and stretch it then it feels like it's going to snap back. That would be you pulling away then feeling like coming back to what is familiar, what is easy. I'm not that rubber band. I know I need this change. I am compromising a part of me, losing some of my identity. I can't allow that to happen. I can't continue living this way. Even if in 5 years I end up in a 2 bedroom apartment with just my kids, poor as dirt........ as long as I am genuinely happy, that's all that matters.

Church has helped significantly. I went to the alter for the first time. Cried - more like bawled my eyes out in front of 250+ people. Hugged more people in 10 minutes then I have in 10 years. The amount of love and understanding that comes from there has been overwhelming.

I will blog more later.... Please stay with me peeps!

P.S. - A HUGE HUGE thank you to everyone who has emailed me or commented in previous posts, giving me encouragement and kind words :) THANK YOU


Stacie's Madness said...

I do not look forward to dating again...I really don't...and it hurts my stomach to think he will be dating. More because who will he be dating and subjecting the kids to...that is what makes me sick to my stomach.

Even being the one initiating the divorce it is a struggle to remain positive and on the right track.

Eventually we will both be in the more happy phase than the "unknown" phase.

This weekend will be the first weekend of his visitation and yep, he's working tonight then he'll have to sleep tomorrow before he can pick them up. It makes me sad for the kids...but there is nothing I can do about it. Life goes on (oddly similar to our life together...with ME doing most of the work) and I hope that my kids will be ok with it!

Hope Floats said...

biggg HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Girl, if you ever need to know my number. I know that you are probably up one day, and down another. If there is anything I can do, let me know. And, the kids will be fine, especially when they see you being fine. CALL ME !!!