Friday, April 24, 2009

Reflections..... And My Longest Post to Date.

These pics were taken today, 5 days after the incident.

Now that I have time to sit and put my thoughts down on paper (so to speak) I want to take this time and explain the situation and the events that have since followed after the initial incident....


Right around April 1st. I pretty much had all I could stand. I felt like I was suffocating and trapped and being held under one's thumb. That thumb belongs to my Hubby. This is something I have been struggling with for a couple months. We had talked and I told him what I was needing from him, and I know I am not perfect and there were some things he said he needed from me. I tried to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt. Hoped he would change. Prayed he would change.

Those things I needed were simple in my mind. Be supportive of my goals. For him to actually develop some of his own goals. Both professionally and personally. Give me some fucking breathing room. Seriously. All these years I have done 99% of weekends by myself. If I even want to go to the grocery store I have to take at least one kids with me. He gets a break from the kids, why can't I? Why can't I go to the nail shop and get a manicure without having to pull my son off the freaking walls? You can't relax that way. You can't. I tried explaining to him that if I am not at 100%, how can I give 100% to my kids? And I don't want this to sound wrong, but I don't want to lose myself in my kids, I am more than a Mom. More than a wife. The last thing I want to happen is when they decide to go on their own, that I will have no freaking idea who I married, what my interests are or what even makes me happy.

Yes, there are other issues. Like saving money, helping around the house, to treat me like his wife instead of his friend. Don't get me wrong, he was my BEST friend, but he never treated me like a WOMAN. I am not 17 anymore, I am a grown woman who's needs and desires and wants have changed. I felt like we were growing apart and in a sense we were. I wanted to excel and move forward in my career WITH HIM by my side. I wanted him to go on that journey with me. He wasn't interested.

So back to the beginning of April...... I decided I was gonna move out. Started looking for rentals. Made him sleep with the kids. We had conversations on furniture division, visitation with the kids, child support, property division, everything.

In an attempt to get him to adjust, I stayed away one weekend with a girlfriend and let him have the kids. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

Once I got back, he decided to start going to the bar. Staying out til 2-3 in the morning. Claims the only way he could sleep was to be intoxicated. WHATEVER.

In the meantime, I found a rental. Starting making arrangement to make that transition. He heard the words coming out of my mouth, but he wasn't COMPREHENDING them. There were a couple times I thought about just staying and trying ONE MORE TIME. But I figured what the hell.... I had already given 11 years.

Now to the night of the incident......

It was Sunday and we had talked about things and I told him my position was still the same - that I was moving and in fact, I was going to start packing that night. He decided he was going to the bar....WHATEVER DUDE.

I started cleaning and packing. Put the kids to bed at 8:00 as usual. Decided to get all the laundry done and make sure all my Summer/Spring clothes were out and washed also. He started texting me around 10 pm saying he knew that I was fucking somebody. Then another one saying I was a coward because I couldn't tell him the truth as to why I was leaving. Since you know, a woman can never leave a man without having another one.... Anywho.... the last text I got from him was about 1:15 am saying he was on his way home and was I ready for him? I should have left then, I knew deep down in my heart what was getting ready to happen.

Now mind you, I was still up doing laundry when he walked in the door. He was fucking hammered. Liquor, not beer. I was standing by the dryer, folding clothes and he walked over to me, leaned against the washer and asked if we could talk. I said no, your drunk and I have nothing more to say, it's not my fault you haven't been listening for the last month. Then, he grabbed me. Started screaming in my face about how I could just give up and don't give a fuck about him or anything else. I tried to pull away from him but he works with his hands and they are EXTREMELY strong, so there was no way I could pull away from him. Then it's a full on struggle and he pushed me into the 1/2 bath that is connected onto the laundry room. He reaches both hands under my ears and up around the back of my scalp and gets ahold of my hair. Then proceeds to scream in my face then SLAM my head into the wall about 6-8 times. I scream even more. He throws me down to the ground, I scramble to my feet and try to run to the other end of the house. He grabs the back of my shirt and throws me on the couch. Now at this point he has me in the corner of the couch - basically straddling my body with his hands on my arms, then he puts my arms under his legs and puts his hands over my mouth to shut me up. I manage to get my right foot up and planted in his chest to push him off of me. But he come right back before I could go anywhere. In a last ditch effort to get him off of me, I drew back and punched that mofo in the mouth as hard as possible. It was enough to stun the shit out of him so I could get up, then he dragged me into the bedroom. Put me up against the wall, grabbed my hair again and started slamming my head into the wall next to our window. Then he threw me on the floor started ripping my Pjam pants off saying that if I was going to leave, then he was gonna fuck me one last time. About the time he ripped them off.... I pissed all over myself. Fear does funny things to you. The piss must have scared him because he jumped off me. I run into our master bathroom and he come right behind me and locked the door. I flipped out.... I grabbed out towel bar and ripped it off the wall and tried to beat him with it, but he just took it away from me.

Finally..... I just melted. In the floor. I sat crying my eyes out with no pants on smelling like piss. Not sure what made him decide to stop, but at that point, the beating was over. He opened the door and walked out. I saw some pants on the bathroom floor so I promptly put them on. Then run to my kids, who were up in their beds crying their eyes out. I wrapped blankets around them and carried them to my vehicle. As I was walking out the door, I could hear HIM on the phone with the police. Saying I beat him up and I was stealing the kids..... I walked out the door, drove down the road and called the police myself to report the incident. They advised me to go back to the house and wait in my vehicle for them to arrive. I obeyed, they pulled up around the same time as I did. They asked me to sit in my vehicle while they went inside and talked to the him. Now mind you all male cops. They finally come out and ask me to come in - it was pouring outside. So I brought the kids in and put them in the bed.

The cops had me in the dining room and had him in the Master Bedroom. I showed them the text messages leading up to him coming home, told them exactly what happened. I guess since they came as soon as everything was over, I wasn't bruised yet. You know those assholes were more concerned about why I have my outgoing messages set up to automatically delete then they were about the actual messages.? They said they didn't believe what I had told them, that our stories were conflicting. Ya think! Why in the hell would he ever admit to what he just did to me? I stood up and looked that one cop square in the face and said "What if this was your Daughter, or Mother or Sister? Cause you know what? I am someones Mother, and someones Daughter and someones Sister" he never even blinked. Then his mother shows up. That bitch there has her day coming....... She looked at those fucking cops and told them I said a couple weeks ago that I would beat myself up to get him in trouble. I looked her square in the eye and told her TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. Then those fucking cops, escorted me out of my own home. I ask for medical treatment because of where he had slammed my head soo many times, you know what they said? Why didn't you ask for that earlier? Sorry about your luck. WHAT?????? Gee let me think why I didn't ask earlier? Umm... maybe because I was in the middle of the biggest adrenaline rush I have ever had, my main concern was getting my children out of the home and getting to safety.

It gets better....

They place me in the back of the cop car and go inside. The next thing I know, they are escorting HIM out in handcuffs and an officer comes and gets in the car I am in, and starts to drive off. I ask him whats going on. He said we were going to police station. I asked if I was under arrest he said "Oh yeah your under arrest"/ So I replied with, when I was going to be told that? What am I even being charged with? Where are my kids? The only response he had was, I was being charged with assault and his mother was staying with the kids. So they take both of us in separate vehicles to the state police station. They put me in a holding cell. Then after 20 minutes or so, they call me out, mug shot me, fingerprint me, and put me on a bench. Then they take me to see the judge. I get $1,500. SECURED bond. So I can either pay that or go to jail. I didn't have that kind of money, so I called a friend. Luckily they come and bailed me out, but I had to wait for them to come over to the fucking JAIL HOUSE.

Oh yes..... Jail is no fun. I got strip searched and I have to say the lady officer doing so, was on my side 1000% percent. The bruises had started to appear and she was telling the officers to take notes and she took some pictures for me. I sat in a holding cell, in jail clothes, waiting for my people to finish the bail process.

I finally got released, the officers were kind enough to let me know he posted bail, but they were going to hold him another 1.5 hours so I could get some things from the house. Yeah, nows the time to be nice, where was that attitude 4 hours ago. FUCKERS......

I immediately went to the hospital upon being released. They sent in a Domestic Abuse nurse/advisor/awesome person. She come in and interviewed me. She was HIGHLY pissed at the cops for the treatment they give me. Said she was calling their superior and letting them know what happened and that my story was consistent with my injuries. She was awesome, I can't say enough good things about her. The hospital performed a CAT scan and my injuries were listed as, Scalp hematoma and contusions. So I got some meds, and they sent me on my way.

Since then, I have been to court and filed a PFA. Also started the process for custody. I have all the paperwork for filing for divorce, so I can get that ball rolling. I was lucky enough to have secured the rental and the landlord was nice enough to let me move in earlier. So I have been staying there. He has got the kids Tuesday and Thursday, picking them up from Daycare and bringing them back the next morning. Daycare mom has agreed to be our mediator for the time being. Oh yeah, the court issued a no contact order between us. That is difficult. We have kids.
Also, the day after I get a phone call from a female rep from the State Police, just checking in with me. No, those cops got a fucking ass reaming from that nurse and they are covering their asses. But I took the 456454121556 apologies from them and she asked me to fax my hospital report to her and send the pictures to her. I did all the above, and basically they said they would be dropping my charges. YEAH!!!!!! Vindication Bitches!

So Monday we go to court for our charges and to drop the no contact order. I will stay away from him, but we have to talk because of the kids. And I will NEVER be in a situation where he can hurt me again. EVER.

Thank you to all who had the courage to send me a message of hope or support. For those of you who wanted to but just couldn't.... I understand and thank you anyways.


Her Royal Highness said...

Hi, AG,

Some thoughts...

You're pretty damned strong. It's amazing.

If he continues to drink, you should seek to have him evaluated before turning your children over to him for visitation. Even if he has never shown signs of wanting to hurt them. Alcohol does bad things to people.

When you meet to hand the kids over for visitation, always do so in a public spot. My mother and father (who was an alcoholic) always met at IHOP. No one told me this wasn't just for the chocolate pancakes until I was much, much older.

Don't let him use the children against you; they'll feel it. It screws kids up to be used as pawns -- trust me. My siblings and I are still dealing with the scars.

Above all, no matter what, stay in touch with your support network, whether it's us here online, whether it's your best friend from high school, your family, or a collection of friends that are solely yours. That way, if anything happens, you have help in some form or fashion.

We're all thinking about you.

Average Girl In Average World said...

HerRoyalHighness - THANK YOU! U made me cry.... LOL

Sass said...

THere is nothing I can say, other than you are an amazing, strong, intelligent woman. Don't ever, ever, ever let any person tell you otherwise.

You have endured more than people 3 times your age, and you will come out on top in the end...

My thoughts are with you...

Lindsey said...

Honey, you are so NOT average. It takes a strong woman to go through what has happened to you and to come out hopeful on the other side. I am so sorry for that that horrible man did to you but thankful and happy that you're not dead or critically injured. I'm also thankful, as I'm sure you are, that he didn't try to hurt the kids. Those poor babies, I hate that they are having to deal with this too. Keep your strong will and good attitude - you will survive and you will win this battle.

Nej said...

I'm so glad to hear that the charges were dropped, and someone recognized the piss poor treatment of the situation. It's a sad day when you can't defend yourself and your kids.

I'm sure others have said it, but you're a great person, and a wonderful mother....stay strong!

Amy Kate said...

You are doing absolutely the right thing for you, and for your kids. I hope you continue to find the strength that has helped you along so far.
As I read this post, it really hit home as I have a cousin who recently filed for divorce from her husband who has been calling her a slut/whore/cunt for about the duration of their marriage (12 years) and it recently escalated into increased physical violence. She's run into some of the same situations with the police, but makes the mistake of calling me or my sister instead of the police whenever he threatens/hits her. They are still living in the house with their 2 kids, who are terrified all the time of the fights they know are coming.
God bless you for doing what you're doing. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You're pretty amazing, pretty far from average...I hope you know that.

Stacie's Madness said...

my thoughts are with you.

wymzie said...

Your in my prayers!
It's not going to be easy to be a single mom, but you are being true to you.